Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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