I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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