she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
