Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
