apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
