giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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