Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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