Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
