Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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