i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
No more Irish car bombs ever.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
