you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
