My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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