i will never coherently bang her
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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