I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
