oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
