Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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