I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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