Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
