There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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