Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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