I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize