Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
