I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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