The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
