I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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