life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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