Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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