i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Fuck appropriateness.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
