there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
