Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
