Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
