we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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