hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
