Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
