I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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