Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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