I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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