theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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