The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You were trust falling into bushes
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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