nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
