ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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