Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The feeling are messing with the penis
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
