Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
