Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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