Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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