just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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