YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
