I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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