oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
