Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
