Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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