I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
