That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
