i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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