I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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