I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
did you just send me my own nude
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
