I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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