In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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