The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
