dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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