i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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