is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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