I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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