someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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