WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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