I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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