Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
